In light of the holiday weekend coming up in the US, I give you the guide to troubleshooting your drinking problems.
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BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
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SYMPTOM
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CAUSE
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CORRECTIVE ACTION
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Feet cold and wet
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Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
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Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
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Feet warm and wet
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Improper Bladder Control
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Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
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Beer unusually pale and tasteless
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a. Glass empty.
b. You’re holding a Coors Lite |
Get someone to buy you another beer
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Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
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You have fallen over backward.
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Have yourself lashed to bar
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Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
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You have fallen forward
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See above
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Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
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a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face |
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
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Floor Blurred
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You are looking through bottom of empty glass
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Get someone to buy you another beer
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Floor moving
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You are being carried out
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Find out if you are being taken to another bar
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Room seems unusually dark
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Bar has closed
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Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run
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Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
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Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
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Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
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Everyone looks up to you and smiles
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You are dancing on the table
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Fall on someone cushy-looking
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Beer is crystal-clear
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It’s water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
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Punch him
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People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
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You’re in the ladies’ room
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Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
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Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
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You have been in a fight
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Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
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Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in
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You’ve wandered into the wrong party
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See if they have free beer
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Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
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a. You’re in jail
b. You’re in the navy |
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don’t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach !
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You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
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You’re in a gay bar
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Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
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Your singing sounds distorted
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The beer is too weak
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Have more beer until your voice improves
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Don’t remember the words to the song
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Beer is just right
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Play air guitar
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