Beer Troubleshooting Guide (Lighthearted version)

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In light of the holiday weekend coming up in the US, I give you the guide to troubleshooting your drinking problems.

Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.
b. You’re holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself lashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward
See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender.  If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door.  Run
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear
It’s water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
You’re in the ladies’ room
Do not use urinal!  Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in
You’ve wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door.  Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You’re in jail
b. You’re in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow.  Don’t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach !
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You’re in a gay bar
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit.  Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves
Don’t remember the words to the song
Beer is just right
Play air guitar

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